the best and the worst thing.

the best and the worst thing about human condition is that we are evolved to learn not only from our own history but also from our environment. we dont have to experience every aspect of life - we have the gift of hearing, reading, listening, witnessing what's not ours and make it a memory or lesson for ourselves. scientists have even proved that trauma can manifest itself in next generation's dna. this strengthens our survival skill. which is a good thing. but mostly by fear. which has maimed me. 

i had two friends when i was in high school: ze and te. i remember both of them as joy imbodied. they were both sincere, cheerful, curious girls that have so much optimism towards life. they were always so receptive and thoughtful about other's feelings. they talked with their feelings and dreams and wishes. they wouldnt think that some minds or hearts maybe dont work like theirs until it was shown clearly to them. te had a really beautiful voice, she liked listening evanescence. ze had really soft hands. they were both very beautiful women. i dont remember if they knew each other but we havent spend any time as three of us. i dont even remember if i knew both of them during the same semester. but what i remember is te always having the biggest and fullest bagpack. she was always carrying her diaries and some items that she held very dear to her heart. things she was afraid that would be destroyed or used against her by her parents. she didnt have the right to privacy. she was never allowed to stay outside one more minute unless she had an "acceptable" reason like some additional class. she was not allowed to have a slumber party with her friends. and ze. her parents were kind of similar. they would occasionally go through her phone to see "if she was up to something". her parents have said to her that they were spying on her randomly so if she would dare to misbehave, they would know and there would be punishment. she had scars on her face. her upper lip was distinctly sutured. one day she came to class with red eyes and puffy face. her parents have found out that she had a boyfriend and that was gonna be her last day of coming to class. they have decided to lock her up inside the house and hire a special tutor if necessary. of course she was banned using the landline or her cell. of course she had to broke up with her boyfriend. of course she was not her own person. 

it's a really funny thing that we have evolved to learn not only from our own but also from our loved ones' experiences. especially when one is blessed and cursed with a higher level of awareness, because of all the things they have encountered, it's poisonous. it makes you delicate and rough. not soft on the inside but hard on the outside. it makes you both, inside and out, at the same time. every passing second and circumstance is an unconscious battle between reason and nonsense. you have to have mad skills to calculate the ultimate way to get out of the situation because you're aware of the possibilities. you have to learn to read the unwritten, decipher the tension in the air and act accordingly. until you fail and find yourself on the shore of nonsense. day by day, year by year, your reality crippled. your reasoning imploded. but you still have to go on, right? 

right. 

all night, i was trying to hide my diaries, photographs, souvenirs, clothes to somewhere in my room that will not draw attention so they would be untouched. but how the fuck that can be enough? i will not be here for whole four days. god knows what they can do. im at their mercy. and at this point im not even afraid of what they will learn or speculate about. my only concern is that if they destroy anything important to me, it's gone. i can retaliate, sure but whats mine will be gone. just like all the other times. the feeling of being betrayed or not being safe or not having the right to privacy is not even a concern; they are not even the primal needs in my distorted reality. all im getting fixated on is the price that i will have to pay, not the reaction, but my loss. "what will it be this time?". 

all my childhood was a walk on a ground covered with little broken glasses. i know who's coming up the stairs just by hearing the footsteps and it can disrupt my pulse. i dont know how to not answer a question that's been asked to me because i was never allowed to "not disclose". i am so "thoughtful and receptive" to what others think or feel because i have to, i have to know and play along to not get hurt. i have to abandone myself because what i am, my core is wrong in its way of existence and only can be tolerated for a limited period of time until im rightfully mended. i have to be a cheerful stage artist because as long as im not entertainment, im an inconvenience. and no, i cant be my own person, especially when there is already a best of bestest one already appointed.

the best and worst thing about being abused is awareness, which is only another kind of bullying as long as you dont combine it with self compassion. i stood on the balcony, felt the wind, conjured all the versions of me whose privacy was violated. i talked like a king; told them to not be afraid, im not them anymore. i am not little or weak or financially dependent, or a sweet well-behaved girl. that there will be consequences. nothing has changed. but after those big words, my bones were still dry, my chest was hollow. then i saw the youngest crying, remembered how she had to apologise because she wrote an essay in class that's said "if i could be anything in the world, no consequences whatsoever, i would be an archeologist or a dancer, but i cant.". i remembered how small she was, her hands not even as long as a kitkat. only eleven years old and had to apologise for writing that she was sad about the things she internalized that she was never allowed to be. and all i felt was an ocean of grief. for my maiden and crone. so i talked like a mother: oh my bunny im so sorry. i am here now, you have me to rely on every step of the way. we haven't survived yet, i know, but we're not exiled from joy or play either. it's gonna be okay. we're gonna be okay. we're gonna be okay.